Ep 10-Waiting on acceptance

Johnita enters 2018 with a changed outlook. Hear how this chan in perspective leads to the manifestation of other areas in her recovery journey.

Chapters

• 1:10 Appreciation and acceptance
• 5:35 Acceptance and signs of hope
• 6:20 God's word for 2018
• 9:33 Turning point in my outlook
• 9:47 Accepting my physical limits
• 10:45 Listening to your body aka black women rest your Capes
• 12:45 What I've lost and what I've gained
• 15:00 The joy of loss
• 15:35 Signs and affirmations
• 16:35 Change in outlook
• 23:00 Waiting was hard but worth it
• 23:00 Accident pic (leg mostly healed)

Transcript

Johnita: 0:00

I[pauses], I am appreciative of this journey. Five years ago, I almost lost my life and my leg. And I told myself that it would be time to tell my story when I could tell it without tears. So after five long years, I'm finally ready. Waiting has been the hardest part of this journey hit stop. Now, if you're sensitive to mature subjects, because this story is real raw, and unfiltered.

Lisa: 0:37

Episode 10 waiting on acceptance. I'm Lisa

Johnita: 0:43

and I'm Johnita. Welcome to waiting is the hardest.

Lisa: 0:48

So we have gotten to the last episode and you just revealed to us how you finally have heard this word from God and you've had this revelation. And it seems like things are headed in the right direction. So where are you now in your healing process at this time?

Johnita: 1:09

So now I am in an area of acceptance. I am at this point, accepting my lot in life. I am playing the cards God has dealt me. I'm, I've done away with the outward appearance and focusing on the outward and I'm more in tuned and appreciating the inward attributes that I bring. The rockstar status is gone. The Bad B is gone. Like all of that, all of that is gone. And at this point I am just in, I'm in not only am I in a phase of acceptance, but also appreciation for where the accident has brought me.

Lisa: 2:08

Mm.

Johnita: 2:08

And what, I've gone through as a result of the accident. Okay. And I write about it, of course. And I write: there's a song called Cranes in the sky that talks about all the different ways that artists tries to deal with her sadness and life situation. I relate to this song because during this journey I've tried to shop, sing, pray, and believe my sadness away. Nothing seemed to work until I get to acceptance. I am learning to accept my lot in life. Sometimes my life has been extremely high and productive, but unfortunately right now it is extremely difficult. As my pastor once said, sometimes you get twos and threes, and sometimes you get ACEs and treys, but you play the hand you're dealt. This is my hand and I've accepted it. And I'm playing to win. I kept telling myself, I had to figure out a way to reconcile what happened to me and all along this seemed, like a barrier. It seems that at the beginning of 2018, I started to think instead of reconciling what happened, and figuring out why I should focus on acceptance. This feeling came naturally as 2017 drew to a close. Once I started having thoughts about acceptance, I felt a tinge of joy. I felt the melancholy lift a little, I experienced my first miracle. My first bit of hope. That hope came in the form of a canceled surgery. My plastic surgeon called on the day after the New Year with surprising news. I emailed him a picture of my muscle flap on New Year's Day to ask half jokingly if I still needed surgery. To my surprise, he agreed with my thinking and left the decision up to me. He commented on my beautiful flap and his surprise at the healing my body was undergoing. I started to wonder if there was a connection between my feelings of acceptance and this bit of news. Could this be God's way of affirming the stage I'm in? Was he telling me that in order to have full healing and recovery, I needed to have faith that he knows all and accept my fate? I don't really know the answers to these questions, but this bit of good news stirred something within me.

Lisa: 4:33

And so what did it stir within you?

Johnita: 4:35

It just started to stir up this, this epiphany, if you will, this realization that I needed to stop trying to control the situation. And then I needed to unequivocally give it up to God and to let Jesus handle it. To let God control it and to put him in the driver's seat. And even though through the recovery, you know, I have my faith, but you know, it was wavering cause I was beefing with God.

Lisa: 5:13

Right.

Johnita: 5:14

And then I was, you know, it was just a lot. And so at this point, it's like, there was that, stirring of, oh, okay. I'm starting to embrace what's happened. I'm starting to accept what's happened. And look, here's a first bit of good news. Yes. There were other areas Pieces of good news. There was a connection if you will, between what had happened with my frame of mind and then getting that call from my plastic surgeon to say, no, you don't have to come back to the, OR right now.

Lisa: 6:00

And that connection happens when your mind is open and you're, you're able to hear and embrace. That was your moment. So then what happened? Right. So you just had that aha moment. And that reassurance, that things were going to be okay.

Johnita: 6:17

So then I sent, I was led to send a text to my pastor and my sister friends that I mentioned before. And I sent them a text and it read: Hi ladies. It's Johnita. As the first week of 2018 draws to a close, I want to thank each of you for supporting me through the accident. I was led to share the word that God put on my heart for 2018. Acceptance. He shared that I need to enter 2018 accepting this situation in order to be totally and completely healed. I would be kidding if I said the last year, wasn't tough. I'm working really hard on accepting the situation and to stop trying to figure out why it happened. As confirmation that I'm on the right path. I received my first affirmation of the new year and that the surgery I was scheduled to have today was canceled because my body is doing a great job healing with the wound that each of you have supported me in your own unique and special way. Whether it be praying for me, with me, encouraging me, laughing with me, distracting me, crying with me, or some combination of all of these. I'm sharing this word with you because you love and care about me. And I know there will be times when I will get discouraged. And if I do just remind me that I need to accept in order to heal. My stepdad told me it's not about what it isn't, but what it is, which translates into focus on what I'm gaining and not about what I've lost. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. And I look forward to sharing my testimony as God continues to do great things. Love you all.

Lisa: 8:00

Wow. I love that. And that was a great way to start off the year and let people know that you are really mentally in a better space than you were in 2017.

Johnita: 8:14

Yeah. Cause it was hard. It was, it was really. As I've shared over these last episodes, it was really difficult. And I really hope that I've done a good job at conveying how difficult it was, because I know for certain that someone is facing some difficulties in their life right now, and collectively we are all facing difficulties. As we are struggling with, you know, this pandemic and so I really hope that I've done a good job at expressing how difficult it was, because I want people to understand that if I was able to come back and get through that situation, then they can too. Turning the corner in 2018 and receiving that word from God about acceptance was that was, was one of the major turning points. I know before that I talked about in the last episode, the aha moments that I had. Right. But this was really a, a major revelation, a major turning point in my, in my overall outlook.

Lisa: 9:36

Right.

Johnita: 9:36

Of my situation.

Lisa: 9:39

And I know in those moments in life, when God fills you up in that way you have this energy. You're ready to just run with it. Right. But then you were still faced with that physical challenge. How did you balance that?

Johnita: 9:55

I do what I can when I can. I used to apologize for what I couldn't do. Oh, I'm sorry. I can't do blah, blah, blah. I'm in pain. Oh, I thought I would be able to do blah, blah, blah, but I can't I'm in the bed for two days. I used to apologize and I used to, you know, I used to just feel like I had to explain. And now I don't like, you know, I'm like the days that I can do, I do it and the days that I can't, I can't. And there's no sense in me continuing to explain it away or to say, I'm sorry, because saying, I'm sorry is not gonna change it. So I've just learned how to accept it and to listen to my body and go with it. And yeah. Yeah.

Lisa: 10:45

And people need to hear that because. You know, often our body is talking to us. But again, we throw that Cape on anyway. Nope. Throw the cape on. Once the cape is on we're just going to ride with it. We going to do what we do and blah blah blah. I'll deal with you body later and it's, it's tapping us tapping. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't pull out that cape...

Johnita: 11:07

Right.

Lisa: 11:07

You don't have to run anywhere. You don't have to be the savior here. You don't have to get it all done. But it's so hard to do because as women, we are so used to just, and especially as black women, we just can push through it. We're just gonna push through it. We're going to handle it and we'll take care of ourselves.

Johnita: 11:31

Yeah. Yeah. And that's, that's totally not me anymore. It used to be, and I can, I totally relate to those who are doing that, but you don't have to. And I also feel like in a way that God was like, you know, if you don't slow it down, right? If you don't take care of yourself, I will put you in a position where you will have to. Right. And I, and I know I've said that to some of my friends since this has happened, like, you know, you don't want to be in that situation where you're not listening and God is like, okay, hold on. Let me, let me put you in a position where you will have to listen. So, so go ahead and do it on your own terms. And, and be okay about it and be at peace with it.

Lisa: 12:23

I call those the taps directly from God when he's like, oh, you, you're going to listen to me. You're going to feel my presence and know that I am God and you are not. And we going to close it down.

Johnita: 12:34

Yeah. That's what it's all about right there. Yeah. And you know, I mean, So one of the other things, there's so many things that I wrote about with the acceptance, not to say that I didn't write about, you know, all of the other phases, but, you know, I also wrote about what I lost: So when I start thinking about the feeling I've lost over half of my body, this disfigurement, the right leg constantly in pain, the left breast, that has lost feeling, the left side of my back, itching from scarring, and the left arm that has lost function, the left thigh that is covered with scarring, I force myself to remember what I've gained. And to me that is so amazing at this point, this was written February 17th, 20, 22 years ago. So. Where are we 20, 22

Lisa: 13:30

2 years ago,

Johnita: 13:30

two years ago, two years ago. So I'm talking about all, I'm running down a list of all of these things that I lost. Right. But, but looking back and remembering that when I, one by one realized that I had lost these things in the, and the mourning that I went through when I lost all of those things, the tears, the depression, and now at this point, moving forward three years later, I can look at all of those things and then, and still think about what I gained. Oh my God! All that is is the Lord. That's all that is. And I don't and I don't try to be, I'm not a, overly Christian. I'm, you know, I consider myself an unfit Christian. Right. I got, I'm a work in progress. I fail daily.

Lisa: 14:25

We all do. But the fact that I can look, I can list all of those losses and that the end talk about what I gained. Only God can bring you through that.Only God can bring me, can bring me to that point and only God can bring others. Only. God can bring others to that point where you could be like, Woo! Thank you. Yeah, I lost all of that, but thank you. I've gained so much. It's amazing. It really is. And every aspect of it, the healing, the mental healing,

Johnita: 15:04

You know, the joy, the joy, the J O Y and you know, I do. I always say, you know, you don't have to believe what I believe, but I implore you to believe in something greater than yourself.

Lisa: 15:25

So with that level of acceptance, you just talked about the joy. What else came along with the acceptance? My job called. And they mentioned it...I mentioned this earlier, that they were going to post the position that I had been hired to enter into after I recovered. And that was an affirmation because like I mentioned, I would have been trying to continue to focus on that work and getting back to that work when it wasn't for me.

Johnita: 16:03

That wasn't the path for me. And so I feel like that was an affirmation, because as I mentioned before, there was some peace when I got that phone call you know, going back to the doctor saying that I did not need to have that, extra surgery or not extra surgery, but that surgery for that flap that was an affirmation. So I just feel like, you know, that was something that came with the acceptance of my, of my situation. I wrote about when we went to Las Vegas, you and I, and And I said: fast forward a year and a half I'm in the Forum shops in Las Vegas. I'm looking for a pair of pointy toed, light brown, or beige flats to wear with a few dresses I had purchased recently. I enlisted a few of my fashion savvy girlfriends to help me in this task. One of my friends became a shoe Hawk, taken me from store to store pointing out one option, or the next that didn't work with my injury. At one point I realized I hadn't shed one tear. It was sheer laughter and joy during the shopping trip. There was no cover of darkness. I shared my breakthrough out loud to no one in particular,"shoes are a trigger for me, but I'm not in a puddle of tears." I was elated. I was also in disbelief before I realized what was happening. Healing.

Lisa: 17:33

And he came just like that.

Johnita: 17:34

It came just like that.

Lisa: 17:37

It did it did. Yeah. So, you know, we've mentioned at the first episode or second episode that I was you know, with them 36 inch legs, I was putting on three inches of heels with it. Right. And and, I cried, I cried over, I mourned the loss of being able to wear heels. I mourned it severely.

Johnita: 18:04

And so the fact that I could be in the mall with you in the Forum with you all, and you know, and I remember you showing me one shoe after another, I'm like, Nope, I can't wear that one. Nope. I can't wear that one. Nope. That doesn't work with this one, blah, blah, blah. You know? And I did not shed one tear. I'm like, oh my God, like I'm healing. I am healing. I'm still having fun. I'm not dark. It's not dark. You know, I'm not, you know, there's no cloak of darkness covering me like it did with my depression. So it was healing. It really was. And so I just feel like, you know, it just went along with that affirmation that I received, that word that I received in 2018 of acceptance, it had carried over into 2019 because I had accepted, my shoe situation and I was fine. You know, one of the things that I talk about is that this accident has allowed me to do things I never imagined possible. I've been able to have many more experiences and make memories through interactions with others, through having conversations with others, just, you know, be it from my medical team or from, you know, strangers or, you know, the interactions have just been far and wide and, and I've enjoyed them. I've enjoyed it every step of the way. I also, you know, I also talk about the fact that, you know, I don't worry about what others are thinking of me. I can be myself, I'm free to explore what's next for me. I've been able to, you know support my, nieces for example, because I'm at home, right. And so I'm able to talk on the phone with them and Zoom with them during the pandemic, I'm zooming with them. Right.

Lisa: 19:53

Right.

Johnita: 19:54

Just supporting them emotionally as they were going through the pandemic. So I've been able, there's been lots of things that I have gained right. And so one of the things that I talk about was in my journal is how: waiting for sure was the hardest part, but everything I've received and am sure to receive in the future was worth the wait. Hallelujah! And then I closed by saying: so after awhile, the scars fade. Not literally, but figuratively. The scars that you fretted over and spent hours and hours of time applying balms creams and ointments no longer matter. You move on to other cares. The cares of others. The trials that you once faced are minor compared to the current trials of others, your trials fade like the scars. You turn your situation into a testimony that you are blessed to share with others. The wait to share. The weight to testify. The wait is finally over.

Lisa: 21:01

I love it. You know, with, so Interesting as I reflect on what you have shared, you know, a lot of times in life, we, we say you're closing one chapter and moving and opening a new chapter, but you're starting a brand new book. Brand new brand new book.

Johnita: 21:22

That's true!

Lisa: 21:23

Your perspective on yourself has changed your perspective on life. So it is truly a brand new life. You gave birth for a third time through this process.

Johnita: 21:40

It's true. And you know, that's a good analogy.

Lisa: 21:44

It didn't look as pretty. As, you know, holding a newborn, right? It seems like it was a very ugly and dark path at times mentally.

Johnita: 21:55

It was an ugly baby. It was an ugly baby, but you learn to love it anyway.

Lisa: 22:07

But you learned to love it because you know it's a gift from God. Because, you know, it's a gift from God and you know, it, in those moments. It's like, well, wait a minute. You know, I, my baby's supposed to look a certain way, right? My, my baby shouldn't look like this. And you went through that. But you still hold on, held onto your faith and you, because you got to a place where you wanted to be honest, you were honest with God.

Johnita: 22:40

Yes.

Lisa: 22:41

You let him know like, ah, no, no, no, no, no. This is not how we get down. You know, you have come through for me through and time and time again. And then this moment you're going to do me like this?

Johnita: 22:54

Right!

Lisa: 22:55

Come on now.

Johnita: 22:57

Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I did. I liked that analogy. I did give birth for a third time. And you know, I am appreciative of this journey. It has made me a better person. It has made my, my relationships stronger. It has made my marriage stronger. My friendships stronger, my faith stronger. So I do appreciate the journey that I, that I have been on. And, dare I say, if I had to do it all over again, I would, I would, I would. So, you know, so with that in mind, I just want to, or with that being said, I just want to thank you for being on this part of the journey with me, my sister, friend, and you know...

Lisa: 23:55

There is no thanks need ed. It's an honor as the man upstairs and literally upstairs would say it's an honor and a privilege lady Porter. You know, for you to ask me to, to do this with you and you know, it's a powerful story. It is a testimony. It is something that people need to hear, and I'm glad you got to the point in your life that you were willing to share it with others and be so open and honest about it. So, you know, I know you talked a lot about how you changed You know, but I, I still see your resilience and this doing this, having the courage to do this, just reiterates that for me.

Johnita: 24:35

Well, thank you. Thank you. And, you know, I want to thank all of the listeners for tuning in and for, you know, riding this ride with us and, and joining me on this journey of sharing and you know, just being vulnerable. And I hope that you have gotten something out of it and that you are able to, you know, take something back and apply it into your practice, your daily life, or just to share it with somebody else. So thank you, each of you for tuning in. The story's not over, y'all. Stay tuned for the epilogue part one and part two. Make sure you follow Waiting is the hardest on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to receive notification about the air date. The views expressed in this podcast are my own and should not be substituted for those of a trained medical professional.