Ep 9-Waiting on healing

Johnita experiences triumphs and setbacks during this episode. Find out how her setbacks were a setup for her recovery comeback. 

Chapters

• 1:30 Status of healing
• 2:45 Beating negative feelings during recovery
• 8:08 Bearing weight
• 10:20 Cleared to travel!
• 11:33 Antsy aka Tired of waiting
• 12:45 Rod install aka PAIN! 😫
• 13:42 Pros and Cons of rod installation
• 17:10 Accident revelations
• 21:00 Turning scars into stories
• 21:00 Accident pic (Skin graft-after)

Transcript

Johnita: 0:01

My depression. Evolve. It dissipated. It went away like mad five years ago. I almost lost my life and my leg. And I told myself that it would be time to tell my story when I could tell it without tears. So after five long years, I'm finally ready. Waiting has been the hardest part of this journey. Hit stop. Now, if you're sensitive to mature subjects, because this story is raw, real and unfiltered

Lisa: 0:43

Episode nine, waiting on healing. I'm Lisa and I'm, Johnita. Welcome to waiting is the hardest. So at this point, I think we need to know where you are in your recovery and your healing process. They talked about the nine to 12 months... You've talked about, you know, how long that journey has been once she started climbing that mountain. So where are you in the healing process? At that time...

Johnita: 1:14

Right. So at that, at that time, I was still waiting for that little 7 centimeters gap or muscle or whatever, flap that had failed. We were waiting for that to close down a little bit smaller, to put a skin graft on it. We went on and that happened. It went down to like three centimeters. They put a skin graft on it. It was painful as hell. And then I just needed to let that heal to bear weight. I mean, to put the rod in my leg and then they had to also take some bone from my hip to fill in some of the gap in my leg and one of the bones. So they did that. But before they did that, you know, I mentioned that I had been making progress with my depression, but I wrote in my journal at that time that I started to have a little bit of creeping doubt. And remember I mentioned that it comes, in really slowly, sometimes.

Lisa: 2:29

Right.

Johnita: 2:29

And at this point, that's what's happening to me. And I wrote, it started really small, a little voice of doubt that crept into my head and said, what if this doesn't work? I knew immediately that the voice was talking about me walking without a rod because let me stop here. I was trying to consider walking, just letting the bone heal on its own and fill in without the rod.. So that's where the doubt started to come in.

Lisa: 3:06

And is that because the rod could lead to further complications?

Johnita: 3:11

Yeah, it could have, it could have led to further complications you know, something artificial that's in your body and of course the best path is to let the bone heal on its own. And you go ahead and walk without the need of you know, of a metal platinum device, but there's some other complications that could happen with that as well. And that's where, and I was considering these two things and that's where the doubt started to creep in: The voice was so small and entered my mind so quickly. I wasn't prepared. So my first response was fear. I started to agree. You're right. What if this doesn't. This was followed by thoughts or visions as I most commonly call them of me being unsuccessful, trying, and then failing to walk alone. I felt the small beginnings of dread, but then my stronger self stepped in and put it all out like a fire extinguisher, destroying the beginnings of a smoldering fire. I was left to sift through what started to figure out how to keep it from happening again. You see, you always have to be on guard for doubt and stay mentally fit to fight. It's like your mind is in the active reserves. You may not be an active battle, but you must be ready to fight if. The power of the brain is no joke. And through your recovery, you must be aware of where it can take you. If you're not careful. The good news is you have the power over your mind. You can tell those negative thoughts bye Frank and keep it moving. Don't dwell on the fact that it happened. Don't get down on yourself, do the opposite, pat yourself on the back because you stomped out those thoughts and kept it moving. You have lots of healing, too do.

Lisa: 5:00

Did you come up with that on your own? Did your therapist help you get to that mindset where you can kind of beat back some of those negative thoughts?

Johnita: 5:09

Yeah. I think my therapist helped me to to not just give into it, because up until that, up until that point. And my mental recovery, you know, I had gotten to the point where I was just giving into it and sometimes the giving into it meant just waking up, just to go back to sleep. Or every time a thought came in, I would get a negative thought I would go with it. And so. She along with, you know, all of this, my sister friends and my stepfather and my father-in-law and, you know, I don't even want to start naming people because there's too many to count. Those things, the sum total of, my pastor, you know, my church family, the sum total of those things helped me to fight back. And at that point, I started to become more aware of the fact that I needed to fight back. This was not an ordinary struggle. This was not a teen mom having a baby. You know, you got to get through college struggle. This was something totally different that I had to, like I said, in the writing, I had to be on guard for all the time. And even though I didn't even, I did not choose to go this option. Of trying to walk on my own. And that was because it just, you know, looking at the bone, it, it started to heal, but it wasn't going to be strong enough and we needed to go ahead and put the rod in. So even though I didn't go that route, it still like, who knows if I would've given into those thoughts, who knows how it would've like just mustered, roomed and ballooned into something and spilled over into other areas. Maybe it would have impacted my ability to make amends and, and move forward with my marriage. Right. Keep my marriage repaired. You just never know. Right? So it was something that I had to like continue to fight back. And, and that was my long way of saying yes, I think therapy did help with that...

Lisa: 7:13

...and words are powerful and, you know, it's so good that you recognized that and had the, the tools to, you know, shut that door when that door would swing open. And I'm sure it would swing open often to know how to slam it shut and continue to move forward. What was it like, you know, when you were finally able to at least stand and bear weight on it?

Johnita: 7:41

So. You know, I've been waiting for months, months for this moment to bear weight. Oh my gosh. I've been waiting so long. Lisa, you just don't understand what it's like to keep your foot up all the time and to be on crutches and to be in, oh my God is, it was awful to be in a walker. You're hopping around, it was just, it was, oh, it was just awful. So when I was able to put weight on that foot, My depression evolved; it dissipated.

Lisa: 8:18

Oh, wow.

Johnita: 8:19

It went away like magic, but it wasn't magic. It went away. It was like, poof, be gone. Ooh. It was, it was amazing...

Lisa: 8:33

...because you were optimistic? Or was it just that, that that moment of saying all right, all of that I'm here, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Johnita: 8:46

Yeah, it was, it was I'm starting to feel progress. And what I realized is that not being able to bear weight, it just it made me feel stagnated and I've never been able to do well with stagnation ever. And it just made me feel stagnated. So the ability to put my, put to bear weight on that leg, it just. It was amazing. I was elated. I immediately felt like, okay, here we go. Here we go. Now we getting somewhere!.

Lisa: 9:23

So, you know, I have to check in for the audience sake. Now you didn't, you didn't go overboard did you? You weren't like, okay. No, one's looking so I'm about to....

Johnita: 9:31

Not with Mr. Antoine!. No, ma'am,no ma'am that was not going to happen. He was going to make sure that his dear one did what she was supposed to do. You know, one of the things that happened was I got clearance to go and see my daughter at this point, she wasa Sophomore in college and we surprised her. And and so that was, that was great. I'm trying to think. Yeah. We surprised her. She had no idea. She was elated. I was elated.. I got to drive around and see, you know, see her room. Well, I didn't see her room, but I got to drive around to see her dorm, the outside of it. Or maybe I did get to go upstairs? Cause I think they, yeah, they had an elevator, so I did get to go upstairs. So I got to see her room and and that was good. The downside of the trip is that when I came back, I was feeling incredibly antsy. Okay. Yeah. And so, and I wrote about, I wrote a passage about that and I said: the downfall is this trip changed my disposition. I am antsy. I am over this recovery. Faced with beautiful weather, sunny skies, and hanging out, led me craving more, led me to craving more. While I've never been on drugs I could imagine this is how a junkie feels. I want to get outside. I want to be among my family, having fun and hanging out. Dr. Kung said, I would know when I'm ready to stop this. I think I'm to that point.

Lisa: 11:23

So what is the solution?

Johnita: 11:27

The solution was... what was the solution? I think the solution was for me to continue to keep working, right, with physical therapy, continue to, you know, cause you gotta, you have to know during my recovery I was able to... see, I met with my physical therapist... When I first met with her, I could barely put five pounds of weight on my leg. And so at first I was discouraged, but when I get back from North Carolina, I'm like nope, I got to keep working. I got to keep working with Seema I have to make sure that I'm doing all of my home exercises. I have to do everything like... I grabbed that physical therapy, like a dog with a bone. And I was like, I was working very, very hard to to be able to take, take some steps. Cause I, was just antsy. I was over recovery, but I use that as ammunition to propel my recovery.

Lisa: 12:35

Cause you got a taste of that good life.

Johnita: 12:37

What you say! You know? And, and one thing that was a disappointment is that when I got the rod installed you know, I have still some broken screws in my ankle.. And I immediately noticed pain right away. Like as soon as I, as soon as I came out of recovery, it was in, by the time I got to my patient room back to my room. I felt the pain. I knew immediately there was something wrong. I was up for a couple of nights I could not sleep. It was, it was really bad. And even though they were trying to, you know, try different pain regimens for me, nothing was working. So it was, it was I guess, bittersweet and that I was able to make progress, but that progress, it came with a cost and that cost is this pain that I still have to this day. You just learn how to deal with it. But to me, And thankfully by that point in my, and my mental recovery, I was able to look at, as my stepfather would say, I could look at what it is or what it was and not what it wasn't. So, you know, the trade-off for this pain is the ability to be mobile, you know, to be more independent, you know, and, and that's that's a recovery. That's a trade-off that I would take anyday. You ever

Lisa: 14:11

as you were going into it, did you have doubts about putting the rod? And at that point was it an easy decision when you got to the alright, I know I need to do this, or were you still kind of like, ah, I know, but...

Johnita: 14:24

Well, you know, I mean, we were weighing options and as we were weighing options I know, I remember my uncle was concerned about me exposing myself unnecessarily to additional infection risk, because at this point my infection was moving right along. I was getting rid of it. Working myself off of antibiotics, antibiotics were gone at that point. So I was just taking oral antibiotics. And so, you know, his, my, uncle's purview was to, me, was to make sure that whatever choice I made, that it wasn't exposing myself to more risks unnecessarily. And because of that, I decided to, you know, we move forward with the rod installation, but also because of that, I wasn't going to go back, have them go back in. We weren't going to fix those broken screws. We weren't going to take the rod out. Like, so I know some people, they take the rod out after awhile. I wasn't going to do any of that. And to this day, I still would not do any of that because I don't want to expose myself to anything unnecessarily and I don't want to compromise the flap that I worked so hard for. And I'm damn sure not going to have another skin graph ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Did I say ever? So, yeah. You know, and I talk about our, I have talked about this theme of, or we've talked about this theme of trying to figure out like the purpose of the accident, the reason why. That sort of thing. And at this point I'm starting to, you know, I'm still trying to figure out, right. I move past the anger phase into the like staying true to myself phase, but I'm now to a point where I've had, I'm having a revelation and I write about it. Of course. And I write: for the last year, I've been trying to figure out the reason behind this accident was God punishing me for previous mistakes? Am I supposed to work on being a more kinder and gentler version of myself? Is it time for me to lean on my other attributes and not be so focused on my external appearance, sexiness and sensuality? I realized the answer has been in front of me in front of my face this entire time. I just couldn't see it.. The reason for this accident is to force me to be true to myself, to not be afraid, to show people who I am flaws and all to not be so quick to keep my thoughts on the inside for fear of someone disagreeing with me. To be courageous and not be worried about making everyone happy. To not be worried about judging, to accept the fact that not everyone will like me and that's okay to not leave this earth with people not knowing who Johnita Porter really is. This is a hard concept for me, but I understand this is the purpose I'm supposed to embrace, accept, and work on for the rest of my life's journey. I know that I am an extremely complicated multifaceted person who strives for perfection quality and excellence. I accept no less from those around me. This causes me to not be as liked and accepted and that's okay. I have to keep acting from a good place and everything will be fine. I've also come to understand additional purposes. To grow closer with my aunt. She's always been my hero and role model, but our friendship has grown exponentially. To stand in my truth and to be unapologetic about who I am and the God that I serve.

Lisa: 18:30

What did it feel like when you had that moments, when you finally have that reason that you've been waiting for searching for trying to understand, you know, falling out with God now, reconciling with God, what did that feel like?

Johnita: 18:46

Man, it felt like a sigh of relief. It was like, oh, okay. I get it. Okay. I got it. It was, it was, it was like it was just like a resolve, a peace if you will. It was like, okay. I'm firmly standing in my truth. Not to be, not to falter, not to waiver. I would, I would come to learn that those things would be very much needed on the journey that God was placing me on this being an example, you know, I don't know if you remember Lisa, but last year I was saying something about being unfulfilled or bored or something and you either sent me a list or you, told me like a list of all of these things that I could do. And one of them was to start a podcast. I'm like, that's crazy I'm not doing that. Ain't nobody doing that. And until I got the call at two thirty eight in the morning to say, you need to tell your story by podcasts, it was like, okay. And now as God moves me in different directions, I'm like, okay. That's why you had me do X, Y, and Z. Oh, that's why you had me go through this accident. Oh, that's what, oh, okay. I get it. And I'm good.

Lisa: 20:16

You know, it's one of the things we all struggle with. Most people struggle with and have that desire. For God to speak to them, but we are constantly going, going, moving from point A to point B that we're never still enough to hear him clearly.

Johnita: 20:34

Yes.

Lisa: 20:34

And obviously he gave you that, and obviously you got to a point where you could hear it and embrace it and accepted, and not only that thrive from it. So kudos to you.

Johnita: 20:47

Well, kudos to God because. It, it it's been a long, it was a long wait to get to that point. And before we wrap up, I just want to leave the audience with one more passage. And it's very short and it reads: Kirk Franklin said something today that literally hit me in my chest and took all the air out of me. He said he wanted God to take his scars and turn them into stories. Oh my God, this struck a chord in me. This is the outcome of the accident. This is the answer to the reason why I've had to go through this obstacle. This was my Oprah, ah, ha moment.

Lisa: 21:39

Next time on waiting is the hardest... I[pause] I am appreciative of this journey...

Johnita: 21:50

The views expressed in this podcast are my own and should not be substituted for those of a trained medical professional.