Waiting is the Hardest (W.I.T.H Podcast 🎙)

Ep 8-The fight for my marriage

• Johnita and Lisa • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Can Johnita's marriage sustain the change and demands of this recovery?

Johnita:

I will be exacting. I will be a tyrant. I will be nice. I will be kind. I will be all of those things, but what I won't do is apologize for it. Five years ago, I almost lost my life and my leg. And I told myself that it will be time to tell my story when I could tell it without tears. So after five long years, I'm finally ready. Waiting has been the hardest part of this journey. It's stopped. Now, if you're sensitive to mature subjects, because this story is raw, real and unfiltered.

Lisa:

Episode eight, the fight for my marriage.

Johnita:

I'm Lisa and I'm Johnita welcome to waiting is the hardest.

Lisa:

So I want to get into how your marriage endured and changed during this time. And, and let me just say you know, we've talked about Tevis and Sofia being my niece and nephew. But Antoine Johnita's husband is not my brother. He is my brother from another mother for sure. And we're super tight and you know, going through this, we all knew you were in good hands. That Antoine was going to take care of you. So there was no question, no doubt.

Johnita:

Right.

Lisa:

So I want to know though, you know, behind the scenes, how did your marriage shift and change during this time?

Johnita:

Right, right. Because it, it, it, can't not shift right. With something like this and, you know, they say that these types of situations so like trauma, traumatic situations, be it, you know illness or loss of a child or something like that, you know, it could either make or break a relationship. And I'm proud to say that ours sustained, but it was not without work. And I am I'm okay. I'm comfortable sharing that because if my story can help another couple then it was worth it.

Lisa:

Right.

Johnita:

So, so let me say that off the jump. Now my husband is, he is a wonderful, wonderful man. He he is someone who I can always count on he to take care of me, to be there for me to be there for our family. He's just amazing. I can't say enough about it. When the accident happened, you know, I mentioned in episode one, how I was orchestrating, I was directing people, put my leg up and do this and checking on this and all this and blah, blah, blah. And I, you know, you want me to fight you? I had to put my in the helicopter too, you know, like, I'm all I'm doing all of this, but what...

Lisa:

she, a little rara too,

Johnita:

just a little

Lisa:

little rara.

Johnita:

Yes, a little. But what I didn't do was shed a tear. And I did not shed a tear because remember my husband was not with us on this, on this journey. So I, you know, I'm in the, I'm in the recovery room. I mean, in the treatment room I'm going through all of this. I'm not shedding a tear. It wasn't until my husband got to Roanoke the next day came into the door, into the, entered into the patient door of my patient room that the flood gates open. And it wasn't just like crying. It was a gutteral sound that just came from holding in a day's worth of trauma and needed to be released and was released to the person that protects me released to my protector. And, and it was that, you know, it was, it was just that deep. So I'm, I'm saying that to put that into perspective about, you know, me and my husband's relationship. And Sofia was able to release then too, when she saw Antoine there. So, you know, as soon as he got there, he's taken over right me and him, we tag teaming them. And we, we, we make, we making sure everything is goodt. And I did not that was that was not an error, G O O D T. And he, and not only are we making sure that my care is good, but we are also, he is also making sure that he's trying to make sure my mental is good. For example, I love fireworks. I'm there during, around a 4th of July, we also we celebrated our anniversary in the hospital. I went, I had a surgery on, on our anniversary. And that night, when we get back, when I got back from surgery, they were having fireworks and Roanoke, and apparently it's like the biggest you know, a really big spectacle, it's beautiful it's over the river or water or whatever body of water they have there. And and so he's like turning the bed around. He's moving all of my equipment. Cause my, you know, my head is, is towards the door, right. I'm not looking towards the window.

Johnita [in background]:

Can you tell me what's happening right now?

Sofia [in background]:

We're getting turned around.

Johnita [in background]:

Okay. Okay. We are at Roanoke Memorial and we are being moved around so that we can watch... Best 4th of July...

Johnita:

...so he's hell and high water, moving heaven and earth to turn my bed around so that I could see the fireworks just to have a moment of normalcy...

Johnita [in background]:

Y'all look at that finale. Oh my God...

Johnita:

and that is the type of guy that he is. So fast forward to Michigan. We, you know, there's some, we're getting to know each other a little bit better cause he's, you know, taking care of me or whatever, but it's a little bit different because I have things that I like. I, I'm very particular about certain things. He. He's given me a sponge bath, but, the towel is really wet, right. So when he's washing me, I'm cold. Right. And I'm like, I'm like, don't wash me like that. Like rinse the towel out. And he's like, whoa, what's the matter? You know? Cause he thinks it's fine. Like this, he, he takes care of his father or he took care of his father. So he's like, this is the way Pops like that, you know? It was like little things right there. We're getting to know each other and a more familiar way. Right. And in a much more intimate way and it was different and, but he's still supportive. He supported me every step of the way, but when we're at home together every single day, like he, so he took off. From he came, he was there June 29th and he did not go back to work until 20, the beginning of 2018.

Lisa:

Wow. Okay.

Johnita:

So we are together at home every day when I get home, it's it's a lot,

Lisa:

Right.

Johnita:

And...

Lisa:

...pre pandemic.

Johnita:

We did. And that's what I said at the onset. Like everybody, when, when March 20, 20 rolled around and everybody was, you know, learning how to be together and getting on each other's nerves. See, we had already went through that.

Lisa:

Right.

Johnita:

We'd already went through that. So when everybody else was, was struggling and trying to figure it out, we were smooth sailing by then, you know, cause we'd already went through that and I noticed. So first thing I noticed that you know, when I was downstairs in the, in the living room, he would come down every night. And he would pray over me and I didn't know why at first. We didn't pray that we never prayed together before; we pray separately. Right. So I'm like, why is this dude praying over me? And then I was like, I guess he know I'm down here crying and upset and stuff and whatever. So, so that became our ritual. And that's one of the things that I talked about. And I said, you know I wrote, every night my husband and I hold hands, kiss goodnight and thank God for another day. My husband initiated this ritual and when he did so it surprised me. He attends church, but he's not outwardly demonstrative in his praise and worship. I've never asked him why he felt the need to thank God nightly, but I suspect it's due to the enormity of this recovery and he's thanking God for helping us keep it together. I also think it's a source of comfort for him and for me, lastly, it provides a level of intimacy, something that's just between us and a reminder of our partnership and to keep moving forward.

Lisa:

So it sounds like things are, although it's a transition and it's different as you said, it not like it it's going pretty good,no?

Johnita:

I mean, it is.

Lisa:

Okay. Okay. So it starts off pretty good.

Johnita:

It starts off pretty good. In fact, here's something else that I wrote. He takes care of me with a gentleness, tenderness and love like I've never known. He always has the right antidote for whatever problem I'm having. In addition to that, he just does it all. One day, I was laying on the bed after having some stomach issues related to a new antibiotic. I started, he gave me some magazines to distract my attention, gave me an Alka-Seltzer to sooth my stomach, move the chairs from the kitchen, swept the kitchen floor, gave my son a tutorial on making chicken breasts and prepped the water to mop the floor. He was multitasking his ass off. So he was, he, I mean, things are starting off really good, but, but I noticed that there were certain things that I was doing that would start to get on his nerves. So he would, he would get me cleaned up and then I would take the washcloth and I would throw it in the hamper that was in the living room, but I would always miss.(I never said I was a basketball player.) I would always miss. So he would have to bend over and pick it up. And I learned that it would make him mad. It would make him so mad that he had to bend over and pick up this washcloth. And I'm like, I'm like, but to me, I tried to explain to him, it's the only thing that I can do to help myself. But to him it was more work. So it was little things that started to, it just started to... I can laugh about it now.

Lisa:

Right.

Johnita:

But those little tears kept, they just... and then I would be I would be irritated because what I found out is I like my towel, my washcloth to match my bath towel. And he would just come down with any old towel bath towel washcloth combination. And I would get irritated because I couldn't get up and do it myself. Right. And so it was just little things that just started wearing on us or causing little cracks and it came to a head and I wrote this: And when I chose not to respond, something changed."Don't make it harder for me,".he said,"Don't be so demanding." I didn't know, asking you to do the things I would do myselfif I could counts as being demanding. If I could, I would move the table so the cords weren't showing. If I could, I would put the box of school supplies I ordered in a place where I could find them when I needed them. If I could, I would pick up the red Tylenol pill that's been on the living room floor for two days, but my reality is I can't, and I don't understand how to live in this new reality. At first, I tried to help how I could, throwing the towels and clothes in the hamper to save you the effort, throwing the water bottles in the trash. So I wouldn't have to inconvenience you. It bothered you because more than more often than not, I would miss my shots and you had to pick it up. So I tried not to do that as often, or unless I was fairly confident I could make. Before that point or before that part for the longest time, I try not to say anything. And then when you told me it wasn't a bother and it was your job to take care of me and not to be apprehensive about asking for help. But at first he said he didn't like it when I asked him to do a lot of things at once after he was already dressed or getting ready to leave the house. So I changed it up and asked you when you were just chilling at home, but now it seems like you don't like me to ask you to do anything. Or when I ask you things, you do what you want to do off of the list and you do it at your own time. I wish you understood how hard this is or when you ask why I need a particular notebook I wish you realize my anguish at having to explain my thought process, my creative process. But even if I explained it, you wouldn't understand it because you're not me. So instead I just die a little bit more to myself and your apologies over how you act won't change it."What are you crying for? You ask you want me to cry too?" To which I respond by sucking up my tears and with it, all my emotions. I turn on the everything's fine facade. And I know that our chances of making it dwindle a little more each day. Every day I wear the mask. It will become a cycle. I'll pretend like, everything's fine. Not overly talkative, but overly compliant, agreeing to all your questions, work type courteousness in my requests."If you're coming this way, would you mind?""Yes, please.""No, thank you.""I'm not mad." You become frustrated and disconnect. You stop the nightly prayers. We become roommates. You, my employee. I think what makes me really resentful is that you ask what I think about every fucking thing, but then you act like you don't give a shit about the things that I care about. I can't give you what you want. I don't know how I only know how to be myself. And what I know about myself is that I am ambitious and exacting. I don't ask more of anybody else than I ask of me. And the fact that I can't do for myself kills me, but I can't reduce my standards or accept anything less.

Lisa:

Woo!

Johnita:

Me and my husband talked about this before. He know, he know I'm reading this. He know we gonna talk about these things.

Lisa:

Did I say my name was Lisa?

Johnita:

Hard.

Lisa:

Wow. Yeah. That that's beyond hard. So how long did you keep up the facade? And at what point were you like, screw it. This is where I am at the moment. I don't know where you are, but let me tell you where I am.

Johnita:

I know that after that point, shortly after that point, we had couples weekend. You remember that? And and he confided to the group that he, I don't know if you remember this, that he was seeing me more as a patient than as a wife. Do you remember that? We were talking about it. You know, we were just talking about what happened and he, he confided that and, you know, I think that I was still at that point kind of acting like a patient... type of deal. There was definitely a disconnect in our relationship. And I know that I processed with my therapist and I know that she, you know, had been with me pretty much from the beginning of this journey. And she was always there to remind me of, you know, this is common, right when these types of ordeals happen and two, you got a good dude, right? And he loves you. He cares for you. He takes care of you. Like you all need to perhaps think about seeing someone. And again, I'm like, again, here's with the transition. So you mean to tell me now I got to see somebody, I got to talk to somebody about my marriage? Man this dude we've been ride or die for forever. And now you're telling me I need, I need some intervention? So it took a while for me to come to terms with that. But I, but eventually I had to come to terms with that because it wasn't getting any better. And I think we were continuing to grow apart. We were continuing to grow apart. We were. And, and I know me, I was still having the feelings that I described. Like there was that strain, right? A little bit of resentfulness if you will. And so we had to, we had to do something. We had to do something.

Lisa:

And so when you came to him about doing something, was he receptive? Did he see it...was he like, this is just the moment we will get past this, give us some time...

Johnita:

but I forgot to mention that. So in the middle of all of this happening in the middle of this like little, this strain, this marital strain that's happening. Remember. With last episode, when I'm talking about the depression, I am coming to terms with becoming myself and I have now made this commitment to stay true to myself and, and I'm, I make an announcement right at home. Like I'm, I'm staying true to myself. Like. Yeah, exactly right. This is me. I'm not going to be as compromising. I am going to let the spirit of Johnny Payne live fully through me. I will be exacting. I will be a tyrant. I will be nice. I will be kind. I will be all of those things, but what I won't do is apologize. I have been given a second chance at life. And my second chance of life equals me accepting everything about me, the good, the bad and the ugly. And that's about the end of it. Now, when that happened, then he was like, what in the hell is going on? Like and I'm cussing like a sailor. I'm swearing up and down. The, the just, you know, it started off with me, swearing you know, cursing the name of the man who hit me, but then it just evolved. And I I'm just now remembering this, it evolved from me, swearing, the man to swearing everything.

Lisa:

Okay. And my husband is not used to me swearing like a sailor and it really, really, really bothered him. And he's like this isn't the woman that I married you've changed, you know? And so, so now you add that to the resentfulness and I'm already resentful. So I'm like, whatever, you know, I don't really care anyway. Cause you, you mad cause I'm throwing water bottles and. Right.

Johnita:

So it was just, everything was just coming to a head. And and you know, at this point, and through this time, I'm still talking to my therapist, I'm still resisting the idea of therapy. But it was really after I was making that declaration about me becoming true to myself and I'm swearing up and down. That's when we were like, okay, we are going to need some call in reinforcements. This is bigger than the both of us. And, you know, and, and even though the good thing, the thing that I appreciate about me and my husband's relationship is that we are best friends. And even though we were beefed out at that time, we could still have a conversation. About the fact that, you know, we weren't ready to throw in the towel for our, our marriage. We wanted our marriage work. We knew it wasn't working right then. And so that's when I started, that's when I started to talk to my therapist about, okay, do you know some people, you know, you have someone to suggest she did. And we did go to counseling, extended the invitation. He said, yes. You know, he made it work with his work schedule and we started going and, you know, and we just, we started talking, we started talking and, you know, one of the things that my husband mentioned is that I'm just not remembering this too, is that, you know, my focus, my focus shifted when the accident happened. I do remember placing a lot of emphasis on my extended family members and not to say that I ignored them before, but you know, it's like, oh second, lease on life. And so I was just taking a lot of time focused on them. And then the, the attention that I was giving to my husband, I think was, you know, it wasn't as kind as it could have been. And that was something that, you know, that he noticed and that he brought forward and you know, And then me, you know, me swearing, me being different, you know? And, and one of the things that we really had to come to terms with was taking time to, in the spite of this terrible, awful or deal, we had to take time to communicate. We have to work on how we were communicating with one another and we have to make sure that we were communicating with each other and not just having a transactional relationship. You take care of me, I accept your help, you know, that sort of thing. That was very important. And just, just taking small moments to reconnect, you know, outside of focusing on my recovery.

Lisa:

did he ever going back to, you know, some of the earlier episodes how did he handle you not wearing the Cape, right? He I'm sure. I know he is used to you taking care of the family and, and that's the family, that's your family, his family, your family together. You are a person...

Johnita:

Yeah.

Lisa:

You know, you're about the business, you get things done. So how did he handle you not having the Cape on?

Johnita:

Well so I did talk, I did talk about that because again, I noticed that I couldn't handle the mental load. He's paying the bills. He took that on no problem. But it goes back to something that we talked about before, where people on the outside don't know that there's a difference. You know, that there's a difference on the inside. And even though I tried to communicate to him that something was, that I was different. Honey. I can't, I can't juggle 30 balls in the air anymore. But you good, like you, my dear one, you are like, sure you can, you know? And I'm like, but I can't. So at first it was just me verbally telling him. And I think, I, I don't know if he would say this, but I think there was, you know, there was like a denial, like sure. You can. You fine. You can't walk. But other than that, you fine. I'm like, no, no, no, I can't handle all of this. I can not do... And then after a while, I think it was a matter of me just showing him like, I can show you better than I can tell you. I can, I can't do this. I can't, you will have to do this. And it took some, it took some adjustment, but he did, he handled it.

Lisa:

Was there ever a point that you wanted him to stop cheering?'cause you know, sometimes you, especially when you're depressed and going on to have, who was like, nah, nah, you can do it. You got this, you got this. Was it ever like, stop it? I don't want to hear that today.

Johnita:

The cheering is like, complimenting me. He's complimenting me. He's complimenting my legs at first. I thought I wanted it at first. I thought that I wanted that type of compliment. You know, build me back up, but then bless his heart when he started doing it, it didn't have the effect that I thought that it was. And now it's, I'm sorry, the effect that I thought that it would. And so now, like when he compliments my leg, Like, if, and not just my legs, if he whistles at me, like he used to whistle at me all the time. If he whistled, when he whistled at me before, like, oh, you look good or something. I'm like, oh, thank you! You know, something like that. Now, when he whistles at me, I secretly am like,"oh my God", you know, like, like"you're not whistling at me cause I am disfigured" you know, like, but I don't stop them because...

Lisa:

oh, you can stop him on that. He will do that for, forever.

Johnita:

Yeah. So that's my thing, you know, that's my thing. And he's going to listen to this podcast and hear that I still struggle with that, but I do. And that's my thing. That's, that's mine, that's mine and mine alone. I own that.

Lisa:

How long did it take for him to accept Johnny Payne? On the scene and here to stay?

Johnita:

He doesn't. He doesn't. He's very, so he's so sweet. He's so kind. When it comes out, he's right there to encourage me to do better. He's like,"that's not you, dear one." I'm like, it is me! You know, he's just right there. Like gently, gently reminding me, like,"that's not you, dear one." Like that's not nice, you know? And I'm like, and then, and then I'm like,"whatever, it's this, this is just the way I am". And then later on, I feel convicted and then, you know, I'm like,"all right, you right." Let me try to be a better person. Thanks. I'm glad that he doesn't. I'm glad that he doesn't accept it because even though I'm in this mode of staying true to myself, he is, my husband is encouraging me to be, to still be a better version of myself, which is very much.

Lisa:

For all,

Johnita:

for everybody, for everybody. And that's, and that's what I would say to the audience. Like, you know, you, you want to have somebody in your corner that is pushing you to be better, right? Yeah. You can do bad by yourself.

Lisa:

And I think, you know, maybe with Johnny Payne showing up It is an evolution that he is here to stay, but to be a better Johnny Payne and you know, it's taken all of these steps, it took the, you know, him arriving through the accident and you coming into this other side of yourself and, you know, in the end you will be the best that you possibly can be by embracing all aspects, but putting, going through the transformation and being raw and true and honest and figuring out there's a better way to, to stay true to that self. If that makes sense.

Johnita:

No, it does. It does make perfect sense. You know, one of the, one of the things you asked about how did he handled that, you know, the changes in me not wearing that superwoman Cape. And one of the things that we agreed and committed to do as a result to counseling is, you know, one that I mentioned before is the communication, but two, you know, he had to accept the fact that, you know, I was different and that, you know, I was different mentally. I was different emotionally, you know, with this, with my attitude and, and that there might be a blessing that comes out of me being this different person and, and to embrace it instead of to fight against it. Right? And to just kind of see, so he had to do some, he had to do some believing in God too. And that he is like, okay, well, my wife is a little bit different than the person I married. But if I just sit back and see where God is going to take this, there might be blessings at the end that I could have never imagined, but if I fight against it, I won't see it. I won't believe it. RIght.

Lisa:

That's powerful.

Johnita:

Yeah. So before we end, I want to read this poem to the audience. You talked about, how I felt with the cheering, right? And this, this poem kind of sums it up: He can't compliment my legs without my tears. The two go hand in hand. This man who cared for it, like it was his very own who never flinched upon viewing the severity of my injuries, who saw the gaping hole, where flesh and muscle and tissue and tendons should have been and filled it with love and care. Who rubbed and kissed my wounds and rubbed and kissed the pain until it was a little bit better than before. Who can look at what remains and still see the beauty. Who reminds me that beyond the tears are blessings pouring down on me. Who reminds me to open up and receive.

Lisa:

That's beautiful.

Johnita:

Thank you.

Lisa:

Next time on waiting is the hardest.

Johnita:

My depression evolved dissipated.

Lisa:

Oh wow.

Johnita:

It went away like magic. The views expressed in this podcast are my own and should not be substituted for those of a trained medical professional.

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Johnita

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Lisa

Host