Waiting is the Hardest (W.I.T.H Podcast 🎙)

Ep4-The fight for my life and my leg

• Johnita and Lisa • Season 1 • Episode 4

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Fast forwarding back to the day of the accident, June 28, 2017. What's going on with Johnita's leg? Her family? Are we amputating the leg or nah?  Death comes knocking again...

Johnita:

I kid you not. He's like, oh yeah, you know, if I were you, I just amputated. Whoops. Five years ago, I almost lost my life and my leg. And I told myself that it would be time to tell my story when I could tell it without tears. So after five long years, I'm finally ready. Waiting has been the hardest part of this journey. Hit stop. Now, if you're sensitive to mature, Because this story is raw, real and unfiltered episode

Lisa:

four, the fight for my life and my leg.

Johnita:

I'm Lisa and I'm, Johnita welcome to waiting is the hardest.

Lisa:

So Johnita you've done an amazing job of sharing your story thus far. Um, we just wrapped up about the signs of that day of the accident, talking about how critical it was to have that water in the car. Yep. Let's talk a little bit more about your physical recovery. Okay. All right. So let's pick things up from the trauma room.

Johnita:

Okay. Um, remember I am laying face down. The doctor is over there looking for stuff in the grasses at this point. I don't know if I have a foot and so they're working on me and, um, and they get me stabilized, um, to a good enough point where they let my daughter come in the room actually. And that was a big relief. So she just, her little face just coming in. Um, it was just a, it was just a big relief. Like I got a big old cheese eaten smile on my face right now, just thinking back to it because just seeing her face, um, and feeling her energy was everything. Um, and so she was able to check on my aunt. So she gave me an update of how my aunt was doing and we face time, I believe, I think we FaceTime my aunt, so I was able to see her. And, um, and then Sofia just went back and forth and she would go back and forth checking on both of us. So that was just really good. And I was just laying there. Um, you know, I was just laying there just trying to figure out what was going on. They took me to have some procedures. They did like a full body scan to make sure I didn't have any internal bleeding. They did some other tests. Um, and then, uh, the attending surgeon came in at, at some. And no, no, I take that back first. They sent me to another room where I had to, they wanted to check my vascular flow of my foot. Okay. They wanted to see if there was any blood flowing to my foot, to my toes.

Lisa:

Could you feel anything at this point? Like what did it feel like? Could you involve or

Johnita:

no, it was just burning. It felt like, um, it felt like somebody had taken my leg and threw it on a barbecue grill. Ooh. That's what it felt like. It was just burning. It was just, it was just burning. And then. And I don't, I don't remember if they started, I mean, I'm sure he had to give me some pain medicine.

Lisa:

Yeah. I need that morphine drip. Right, right now. Right before we do anything else bringing the good stuff.

Johnita:

I don't remember. I mean, I just remember burning that's all. I remember it was just burning and I, and I told somebody that it felt like it felt like. Leg was being grilled. That's what it felt like. Um, and so when I was in the, I was in a room with a resident and he said that the vascular surgeon was going to come and check. Check things out of, and maybe even the Resident maybe the resident did the Doppler, uh, to S to check the flow. I don't remember exactly, but at some rate they'd somebody did the procedure to check the doc to do the Doppler, to check the vascular flow. So this doctor comes in at a certain point. White guy comes in and he's like, uh, He's like, yeah. I'm like, so, you know, what, what did the, what did the Doppler show? What's the test? So show he's like, yeah, he was so callous. Yeah. Uh, you know, it's it's it has, it has vascular flow, so I'm like, okay. All right, great. So what's your recommendation? I kid you not he's like, oh yeah. You know, if I were you, I just amputated. He said it, he said it like, it was just like, if I were you, I would wear rain boots today. Cause it's going to rain outside. Like that's just how casual he was. And I, and I'm thinking to myself because of course I'm still in my baddest bitch mode. Right. So, um, I kid you not I'm like this motherfucker don't know what I am like. That's exactly what I thought. That's exactly what I thought. Okay. That's exactly what I thought. And so at that point, I'm like, I don't need to talk to you. Like I don't, I'm done with you done with you on to the next one. Okay. And so I said to him, I said, um, I said, oh no. I said I'm. I said, oh, you don't know me? I'm a runner. I'm only 42. Like, no, No. And I was like, why would you say that? And he's like, he's like, oh, well, you're young, you know? And I'm like, well, that's the reason why I don't want to get an amputated because I'm young, young, you know, you can get a little press DCIS. And I was like, I don't need to talk to you anymore. And I asked for him to like, And the resident, young black guy, I looked at him, I'm like, what's up with your boy? And then he just look at it and I'm like, don't send him back. I don't want to talk to him at all, ever again. I said, he and I do not have the same goals. I do not want to see him. And. And now a word on medical advocacy, because when

Lisa:

Jesus, here we go. I'll take notes, take notes this way. We know the podcast, right?

Johnita:

Yes, doctors are knowledgeable, but they are not gods. And you have a right to be part of the treatment plan in the, in the, in the care team, no matter how bad your situation is, if you are able to make decisions, have input. And if your physician is not saying something that does not align with your goals, you need to ask for another person. Them is that why, what explain your reasoning. And is this something that you would recommend for your own mother first ask them if they have a good relationship with their mother and if their mother is alive and if they are then ask them, if this is something that you would do with your own mother, with your own daughter or with your most precious loved one, don't just be giving me the all okey-doke treatment because it's the cheapest thing to do now. Okay.

Lisa:

I'm a pause on two things and say, you know, Shannon, when you hear this, if I ever need an advocate in a medical situation, please call as we call her lady Porter. So that's number one. And number two for the audience. She knows what she's talking about. I have seen her in action. And literally when I went to see Jonita in the hospital, when she was still, uh, in Roanoke, this woman was literally taking notes with every person who came into her room, whatever they told her, the medication they were giving her, she would be asleep. Someone would come in the room like, oh, what am I doing? You know, oh, wait a minute. The previous person said X, Y, and Z. And now you're telling me something else. Oh no, hold on. And also I spoke to my family and they said X, Y, and Z.

Johnita:

So she use your resources, people.

Lisa:

She was very active with her doctors and her recovery. Okay. Let's continue.

Johnita:

Okay. So yeah, so I didn't want to see him anymore. Um, and I did not see him anymore. Um, until I I've never seen him, but a year later, my kids and I were out, we were having around holiday time and we were out and we were having, you know, just mom, kids time, you know? And, um, and I took, we took a picture in front of a Christmas tree and I sent him the picture of me and my children with the note. Explain showing him, you know how yes, I'm recovering. I'm glad it did not make your decision. And you were wrong as hell. So kicked several rocks and

Lisa:

you said you, you stopped feeling like a bad bitch, huh? Yeah, I guess I digress.

Johnita:

So I, so, so that. Dr. Kalus he's gone. Uh, his name's not callous, but I call him Dr. Callous he's gone. And, um, in walks the attending physician. So at this point they have taken me to a patient room and I'm the first person I meet. Is a custodian I think, or a tech. I'm not sure. And his name is Johnny Payne and the reason why that's significant is because my dad's name was Johnny Payne he has since deceased. And when that man walked in, um, and introduced himself and I, and I thought I was dreaming, I was like, excuse me, excuse me. What, what's your. And he, he repeated his name and I looked at his badge and it, and it was spelled the say, you know, some people spell Johnny differently and it was spelled the same. And that was my first sign that everything was going to be okay. I felt like, you know, I felt like this man. And I told him, I said, I feel like your angel. And I feel like you were sitting here to, to send me a sign that everything is going to be okay. And he became. He was like one of my favorite people in that hospital for that week. I just look forward to seeing him. Um, I just, he was just somebody near and dear to my heart. So Mr. Payne, if you were out there, you, you were the man, you still are the man. So he was the first person that I met and at a certain point that attending doctor comes in, um, and he says to me, Um, he said with this type of recovery, you're looking at nine to 12 months and I heard the words coming from his mouth, but it didn't register. And all I said was, I'm sure doc, I'm ready, but can you save the leg? Like, that was the only thing that I cared about. And, um, Dr. Seaman was, uh, he gave us a recommendation and he wanted me to. He was, he was show. So my husband had made it there by then. And he showed me, he showed us, um, uh x-ray and I'll post the x-ray in the show notes. He showed an x-ray of my leg and it was a three B compound fracture. And for perspective, um, remember when tiger woods had his accident. Okay. So that's the accident that I had, um, that same severity. It was a grade three B compound fracture. And what happened was there was, um, man, I can't, I don't even know how many. How many centimeters of blood and tissue, I mean, I'm sorry, tissue and tendon loss, but there, the majority of my shin was gone on, on the outer side. You only have, there's a great three, a three B three C is the most severe injury of compound fracture fractures. So. Grade three C is when they're like, nah, we gotta amputate grade three. B is like, oh, maybe we can. And we can't, you know, depending on if you got a Dr. Kalus or not. And, um, and so, uh, so yeah, so he, he told me about the severity. He showed my husband a picture of, of the leg. I still have not seen the picture of, of the leg when it started, when the accident. Of my initial injuries and he made us recommendations and he told me that, you know, what they could do with the treatment plan, they could go ahead. They could put a ride in there and they could, you know, they could do all that good stuff. But because I, you know, because it had been exposed to the elements, there was a risk of if I put that rod in there and you close it up, Germs can is like a lightning rod for germs and infection. Right. And then, you know, I may have found myself in a situation where I didn't have a choice to amputate. So what we did instead was, um, he put, I went into surgery and I, I don't even remember why I went into that surgery, but they did something to me. And the reason why I say I don't remember is because, um, audience I've had 15 surgeries. Wow. 15. And at a certain point they just all blend together. So I don't remember what that first one was for. Um, but they did something, they put an X fix on me. Um, which is this Antwan called my husband calls it, uh, uh, what does he call it? A construction. Uh, construction something anyway, put this big metal thing around my leg to stabilize it. And that's what I had on my leg. When I tried to go to the bathroom, like I dragged that X-Box fix with me to the bathroom into and back. And it was not a good thing at all. Um, so yeah, so that was when I found out like the extent of my injuries, the severity of my injuries. The T the road to recovery, you know, nine to 12 months sounds, it sounds like a walking apart when you, when you were at the bottom of that mountain. And so when he said that, I'm like, yeah, good. Sure. Why don't you say that leg? Good. Sure. Bring it on. So yeah,

Lisa:

And with the 15 surgeries, which one was the longest one. Do you remember?

Johnita:

Um, yeah, so the longest, sir, so let me back up. So I was in Roanoke for that week and, um, you know, and during that week they were, you know, doing procedures and, you know, you witnessed me like with my notepad and they're like, you know, me taking all the notes and taking in all the information and, um, And we, I came home on the fourth of the 5th of July of 2017. I had to fight with the people to get home because, um, my S my, because my limb was so precarious, I couldn't go in an ambulance. I had to go, I had to get there fast. Um, so I had to go on a jet. It was a big situation. It was a big, big ordeal. Um, and finally I get back to Michigan and once I get to Michigan there, I met my treatment, my, um, my medical team who would, you know, work on the reconstruction. And, um, and that's where, you know, after, uh, I don't, I don't remember what number surgery was, but it was the surgery where they had to take the muscle. From my back. Ooh, they have to take all my it's called the serratus muscle and lattisimus muscles. So they took all of that muscle from my back left side of my back and they used it to place over my right leg to reconstruct it, to cover that gaping wound. And then. Was the hardest surgery that I had ever experienced. And as a matter of fact, I almost died again after that surgery, um, because it was so intense and I think. Um, I don't, I don't know. I don't know what happened with the anesthesia, but I felt it, I, I felt, I felt some of the, um, Oh, it was awful. Lisa. I felt some of the,

Lisa:

when they were back or the pain of it

Johnita:

felt it, I felt when they were stitching me up. Oh no. I felt when they were stitching it up and, um, it was really, really bad. And once they took me to, once they took me to the recovery room, I remember laying there and. It was, it took me a long time to come out of the anesthesia. But if I get into a point where I became a pro at getting out of the anesthesia, I would like train my, try to train my brain. Cause at first, when I first started going through surgeries, I would wake up. I would be very disordered, disoriented, understandably. Um, it would just take me a while to write. Where I was, and I didn't like that feeling. So I started to train myself before I went under two. Like, no, it is 2017. It is August or whatever month it was July, 2017 and blah, blah, blah. And so when I would come out of anesthesia, I would know like, okay, it's 2017. You are blah, blah, blah. But this surgery was so intense that when I had a hard time coming up, And it was getting really late and it was shift change. So when I finally, I was starting to come out and I was trying to make myself like, get it together. Cause I heard the medical staff talking about me, the nurses back there and they were like is, uh, so-so they're still out. And this one guy there's one nurse. He was like, yeah, she's still out. And he had an attitude that I was still. And, um, and to this day, when I see that man, like I know who he was, even though I wasn't all the way with it, but when I see that, man, I'm always like giving them, like rolling my eyes out. I heard you talking about me. I couldn't help the fact that I couldn't get it together, man. Um, so I could, so it just took me a long time to get it together and be that man was mean to me in my mind. And it was taking me a long time and I was still in so much pain. And I remember all let's see in all of these, um, doves. Ooh. And it was like, um, they, it was a lot of little, little, little bitty doves and they were like fluttering up away, away, away. And Walter Hawkins song I'm going away was playing. And, and the doves. And I was like following the doves. And, and as I was following the doves, I heard Antwan my husband in my, in my ear to the left. And then I looked over at him and I said, I said, honey, do you want me here? And he said, yeah. And I said, The Sofia want me here. And he said, yeah. And I was like, this H I want me here. My youngest son. I was like, this AJ want me here. He said, yeah, at once he said that I snapped out of it.

Lisa:

Oh wow.

Johnita:

And I came to, but I believe that if Antwan had not came, had not have came back there, I would have went ahead and followed those doves and gone on, gone on away. So that was the hardest surgery. That was the hardest surgery.

Lisa:

Was it the longest one?

Johnita:

It was the longest one. Yeah. I don't remember how many hours it was. It took a, I know it took a really long time cause they had to put that they had to put that muscle on and I had to have this ginormous skin graft. Um, or maybe they did the skin graft later. I don't know. I don't know, they must've did it at the same time. Yeah, they did it at the same time. That was the longest one in the hardest one. But by far.

Lisa:

With each one of these surgeries, are you gaining a little bit more hope and feeling, okay, this is progress. This is headed in the right direction. Okay. So you couldn't see where this was going, how this was helping.

Johnita:

Well, cause you gotta remember I'm a planner and I like, I make a plan and I stick to the plan. No matter what I hadn't gotten to the part where I became accepting of changes in the plan. So at this point, you tell me that, you know, I'm meeting certain, I'm supposed to be here by such and such a time. I'm wait, I'm expecting that to happen. And in fact, in my journal, I write about it. And what I say is, um, I say the waiting is the hardest part. This is an understated. At this point of this journey, I have stopped trying to plan. I am surrendering to God. Clearly he has a plan for me. Initially, I would ask the docs for treatment plan. I would write it down methodically in my book and count the weeks for whatever they estimated in my progress. And evidently the plan would change. I would be disappointed. So I get to the point where I, reason that if I don't make a plan and set calendar expectations for my progress, I won't get disappointed right wrong. This lack of planning, the waiting is causing madness. I feel the mood. I feel like the movie Groundhog day, where the man is just repeating the same day over and over again. He can't get out of it. It's the same thing over and over without anything to look forward to. And so, um, you know, because I was having such a hard time with the not accepting the plan, like it got to the point where I had to go ahead and start seeing a therapist. And initially, um, I had a nurse case manager and she had talked to me about. Um, considering seeing someone because of the devastation that I went through and, you know, black community is still a stigma, like super woman, super woman therapist she talking about. Um, but, but again, it was just, everything was compounded. It was, you know, my confidence was shot. My greatest asset is gone. My ability to plan and, and, and set expectations and meet those expectations. That's out the window. My independence is gone. Like it was just too much. It was just too much. And, um, and so, um, I don't remember how many months in, but at a certain point I decided to, I had to talk to somebody. And when I tell you that I was the most reluctant patient.

Lisa:

So what you thought like, oh, there's nothing that this person can say that will help in the process.

Johnita:

Yes,

Lisa:

but you didn't feel like possibly at least just letting it out, right. Because you know, this is what we do when you bring a problem or concern to someone else. It's always those words of encouragement, girl, you know, you got it. You, you, you know, you're strong. You're going to get through this. Guy's got you. Let's see.

Johnita:

You gotta remember. I'm not that I don't need, I don't need encouragement from other people. I'm my own cheerleader. Except for my husband, you know, like he's my biggest encourager, but I don't need anybody. Else's else's um, affirmation. So talking to a therapist and as a matter of fact, the first therapist I saw. It was very, very good, but she was in more of the strategy space and the solution space, and I wasn't able to receive it. So she and I were not a good mix. And what I would tell to the public, what I would say to the public is if you are, uh, considering seeing, uh, um, mental health professional, or a therapist, or if you are currently seeing one and there isn't that, you know, there's not a good fit. It's okay. You know, go and try it until you get it right. And, and that's what I had to do. And the second person that I tried, she, she did not, she was not in the solution space. She was, it was taught their therapy. So all I had to do was talk and all she had to do was listen. And initially I had my guard up and I, I, you know, I didn't really, I wasn't really giving everything. But then I learned that that space was a safe space for me to let down my guard. And she, she mentioned something early on about, you know, this being a space where you can just be vulnerable. Right. And, and it's a safe space to do so. And so I slowly learned how to let down that superwoman guard just for a month. Cry and be angry and be resentful and just act as ugly as I wanted to act. And she would just listen. And then at the end of the session, I would put my Cape back on and going out the door. Right. And that continued on for a while, but that really helped me to, um, because of the space that I was in with all of the, all of the uncertainty. It was just too much. And as a matter of fact, even to this day, you know, remember last, last episode, I talked about all of the plans that I had leading up to, um, you know, my children graduating, the empty nest and all of that, what, what we were going to do, I was going to be hanging out with my husband, all of that. Um, even now I have a difficult time planning. So I've gone from one continuum to the other. I have a difficult time planning for. Events or long-term goals because I'm afraid that God is going to feel like he felt in 2017 when he needed to like take away those plans. And so I don't ever want to get too comfortable. Right. And, and so, so now I'm on the other end of the continuum where I'm learning how to play. And, and that planning doesn't really mean that something bad is going to happen to me because, because I do still feel like if I start planning too much, then something bad is gonna happen to me. And I don't think that I could handle another one of these situations. So I'm like, so it's, it's very interesting how I've gone from one dynamic, one continuum to the.

Lisa:

I commend you for getting therapy and seeing that you needed help. And although, you know, it might have taken you a little bit longer to embrace it. You did. Um, and I think what she said about, I think this is where people, um, Really far short with therapy. They don't realize that you, you need to find someone who is a good fit for you and your situation.

Johnita:

And it's okay to go from therapist to therapist until you found that connection where it is a safety and it doesn't make you, uh, you know, it doesn't make you a mean person or a bad person, or what have you. And in fact, You know, I saw that therapist, that talk therapist for quite a, uh, quite a nice period of nice considerable length of time. And that was what I needed at that time. She ended her practice. And then I moved to another therapist and that therapist was solution oriented, like my initial therapist. And while I couldn't, I couldn't accept that in 2017, I was able to accept it and I was ready for it at that time. Right. You know, later on in, in my journey. And so, you know, I'm saying that to say that sometimes, you know, sometimes. Some, it may not be right for you in the beginning, but that doesn't mean that it, that doesn't mean that that's going to be the case later on, you know, and, um, and to just, you know, just keep trying it. But I would recommend, I do recommend therapy. I don't recommend holding onto the superwoman, um, mantra or mentality. Um, And it's okay. Like even in, in our community, it's okay to get help. It's okay to say that you're not okay. And that doesn't make you any less of a person. And I do think that, um, the younger generation is, is good. At same that, but us as gen X, 90 kids being left at home on our own, like we not, we not, we get it. We gotta, we gotta make, make some eggs and pancakes and call it a day we can handle it all. And we can't and we shouldn't. And, um,

Lisa:

You mentioned taking the Cape off. How did it feel in that moment when you took it off and you could just write without any judgment or feeling the need that you had to put on this persona for somebody?

Johnita:

Yes. It felt very, um, strange and I felt like. Little bit less of a person. I felt like a punk in other words, did I'm like, you know, um, but, but slowly but surely it became something that I look forward to. I looked forward to walking into that office and taken off that case. And just bearing my soul. And, um, and, and in fact, when the pandemic happened, I would schedule my appointments. Well, no, everybody was at home then, so I would have my, I would go outside into the garage. And, uh, have my appointments because I wanted to, my husband was home. Everybody was at home, but I still want it. I wanted that safe space. I want it to be able to talk and talk freely. I didn't want anybody to hear me. Um, it was something that I start, I, I began to look forward to as time went on.

Lisa:

That's excellent. Next time on waiting as the harvest.

Johnita:

God is moving in ways that you just, that I just didn't, I didn't even see or understand at the time. And he was preparing me to be more concern and conscientious and thoughtful human. Tell us what you thought of the episode. Follow us on Twitter at weighting, hardest or instagram@waitingisthehardestorfacebookwaitingisthehardestyoucanalsoemailusatwaitingisthehardestatgmail.com. Share this story of waiting and share your story of waiting. We want to hear from you. The views expressed in this podcast are my own and should not be substituted for those of a trained medical.

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Johnita

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