Waiting is the Hardest (W.I.T.H Podcast 🎙)

Ep 2-Who I was before the accident

• Johnita and Lisa • Season 1 • Episode 2

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So who was Johnita before this devastating accident? Superwoman phenom (yes), bad bitch (yes), can't tell her nothing (absolutely yes). 

Johnita and Lisa delve deep into who Johnita was before the accident and the role it played in her emotional, mental, and physical recovery.

It's okay to mourn the loss of whatever it is that you have lost or going through. But it's just as important to start to appreciate the other things that you bring to the table. Five years ago, I almost lost my life and my leg, and I told myself that it would be time to tell my story when I could tell it without tears.

So after five long years, I'm finally ready. Waiting has been the hardest part of this journey. Hit stop. Now, if you're sensitive to mature subjects, because this story is raw, real and unfiltered episode 

two, who I was before the accident. 

I'm Lisa and I'm, Johnita welcome to waiting is the hardest. So you 

just told us about the accident.

Are you ready to go a little bit deeper? 

Look, what not? 

It would be good if you could tell us who you were before the accident. Oh 

boy. Um, okay. So who I, who I was? Who was I rather before the accident? Some D no, I can't even sum it up in one word. Um, I was. Driven, um, determined, fiercely independent, uh, perfectionist and very, exactly.

Um, but independent of all of those words, independent is the, is like the umbrella term that I would use to describe myself. Um,

and, um, in the journal I talked about that because you know, something happens to you emotionally when you are. You've gone from being independent to now in this position where you can't do anything for yourself and it messes you up. So I talked about it in a journal and what I said was how I described it was.

I said growing up, I used my independence as a way to be in control. I took care of myself and never depended on anyone early in my life. I had to be independent. If I wanted to get something done. I also found that being independent meant not having to be disciplined. If I wanted something done, do it yourself because you can always depend on yourself.

That was my mint. My mantra being independent also meant I couldn't be stopped in a way I was invincible and there was nothing I couldn't do because I only had to count on myself, finding out you're pregnant at 19. No problem, because I'm indigent. Working through college with a toddler. No problem, because of my independence, starting a career as a special education teacher at 23 with two kids piece of cake, because I'm independent and there's nothing I can't do.

Not only that I don't need anyone. My grandmother told me back then that I couldn't do everything all by myself. And that was the biggest mistake that she could ever say, because. For someone to tell me that I can't do it by myself or to tell me that I can't do something. So at that point I made it my mission to prove my grandmother wrong, compound that with the fact that my dad was waiting for me to fail and you've created a superwoman and there was nothing this superwoman couldn't do.

So this accident and recovery has challenged everything I know and believe about depending on.

Wow. That's deep and you know, it's so funny. It takes me back. When you talked about being pregnant at 19, you know, I probably met Jonita. We were both. Probably 19, 

you older than me anyway. 

We won't even go there 

18-19 it's all the same. Okay. But, you know, I remember the first time I met you, but then I remember actually meeting my nephew for the first, very first time at your apartment on campus.

And we were both in college. I was home from college and. You know, here it is. You have this little baby. I remember you had your books out, like studying. It's like I come in, it's like, yep. Here's your nephew. You know, I'm gonna do a little bit of reading while you're here. Like, just so on top of it. And I couldn't even grasp like a baby in college.

Like I didn't even see how that is possible. Right. So I got a taste of your independence and your drive and determination very early on. Yeah. Um, so I can attest to that. When did you realize after the accident that oh, snap, I can't do the stuff I used to be able to do, and I'm going to have to depend on others to get things done.

When did it hit? 

When I tried to go to the bathroom the first time and I, um, I couldn't, I couldn't go, I take that back. I was not supposed to go by myself, but Ms. Independence was like, oh no, I get it. I get it. So I made my way to the bathroom by myself. Yeah. I made my way to the bathroom by myself and it hurt like, hell.

I'm surprised. I didn't like injure myself even more and I get back to the bathroom and somebody caught me. I think somebody caught me and, and, um, and my uncle Rob called me, he's a doctor. He and he called and he had been, you know, kind of walking me through what was going on and being a support to me.

And he was like getting on my case. Like, you know, you cannot. You, you cannot go to the bathroom by yourself and I'm like, nah, that's good. You know? And he's like, how did that work out for you? And I'm like, you know, but that was the first taste. And I just remember being so angry, like, like, um, an Inferno.

It was just an Inferno. Cause I just couldn't believe like, I, you mean to tell me, miss, I can do anything. I can do anything. I don't need anybody to tell me anything ever in life. And you mean to tell me that I need somebody's help to go to the bathroom here. It was awful. So 

you really thought you were gonna put that Cape on.

Right. And your will and your drive and determination, you were just going to be able to instantly snap back, take care of your business, figure out the protocol, execute on the plan and move 

forward. My whole life. I was just telling my mother this today, my whole, I said to her, I said, Life. Isn't hard. All you have to do is follow the follow the steps.

You just follow the steps, you just follow whatever the criteria is. You just dot your I's and cross your T's. And you're fine. Right. And that's what I expected to do in that. I expect it, my brain to tell my body, to get your ass up out of the bed and go to the bathroom and walk on out of that door and go on about your business.

Like, and I just didn't understand why my body wouldn't communicate it. Wouldn't cooperate with my brain. I just did not in my will and my dry. It's always gotten me through it got me through 40, up to 42 years. So why wasn't it working at that moment? It was, it was, it was maddening. I was so mad. I was so angry, so angry.

And how long 

did it take. Did you ever embrace this whole concept of I'm going to need to rely on others. I'm going to need to slow down the plan needs to be that I'm going to rely on others. That I'm actually going to let my body lead the way versus letting my mind. 

It took a long time. That's going to be like episodes.

Down the road is that is not coming up in an episode. Anytime soon it was, it was bad. It was really bad. I fought, I fought against it. I fought like hell to maintain that independence. And, um, it took a very long time for me to get to acceptance. Okay. 

So if you could go back to Johnita  in the early stages of your.

Uh, recovery post accident. Is there any advice that you would give her? Is there, there are certain way you would look at it a little bit differently that might say, okay. You know, I'm not necessarily giving up my independence. I am, you know, owning it. Okay.

A little bit. No, you know what? I don't think I could have told her anything different at that point, because. If I would have told her something, if I would've told her something different, she may, I may not be here right now. Right. She made it. She may have been like, um, you know what? I don't think I'm going to be able to.

Do what it is that you are saying that I need to do to recover. So I'm going to go on and check out right now. So I believe that, um, that, that fire needed to stay in order for me to. Fight through recovery, if that makes it. So that makes sense. 

That makes sense. 

Yeah. 

So let's switch gears a little bit.

Okay. Let's talk about the vanity side of this, right. You mentioned in episode one, just how, uh, Uh, damage your leg was right. You went into some detail and some of the doctors whispering about, um, you know, looking around on the side of the road, right? How did 

you handle that? Um, that was another, that was another very difficult aspect of this accident.

Um, 

and you know what, I'm going to put you on pause right there. So people might not know this since we're doing this on audio via podcast, but Johnita is a tall drink of water. And she has some very long, beautiful legs 

she had, she had at one point Johnita. Some long, beautiful caramel colored legs they were beautiful, right?

Yes, Johnny to have them out all the time. Okay. Lotion buttered, Vaseline down. What? She wasn't  playing about the legs. 

So she added some inches to them too, right? Yes. She will be rocking the heals 

oh my God. Oh my God. It was just amazing. So, uh, in addition to my independence, my other, uh, my other greatest attribute where my legs.

And, um, and I can laugh about it now. I'm like, man, God has a crazy sense of humor. He has an amazing sense of humor, rather because you know, like the majority, both of my legs are scarred. One. One significantly. So, and I will have to put, um, you know, through this process, I will put pictures in the show notes to show like the before and the, and during the recovery.

And I will also say to the public that, you know, uh, it's a little, it's a little gory, so you gotta have a strong stomach to look at it, but. So, yeah, so my legs were my greatest aspect and I talked about that in my journal because it was, it was, um, having this damage almost losing, you know, this, my greatest asset or attribute was very.

Uh, very heartbreaking. It's not, it's not anything. Yeah, it was, it was heartbreaking. And so when I wrote about it, I talked about this concept of vanity versus conscientiousness. And what I said was, what I wrote was, um, I said one day, about a month before the accident, I remember commenting to my neighbor that I was vague.

This started from a conversation we were having about going out. And I told her that I always had to have lip gloss or Vaseline on my lips. She replied that she didn't think I was vain, but conscientious about my appearance. And the rare times when I've had a sad moment, since the accident I've asked the rhetorical, why me?

I can't help to think about how this accident has affected my conscientious. I can't help, but wonder if I walk the same and will I,  will I be able to rock the dress shoes and boots with confidence? Will I be able to wear the dresses and get the compliments on my beautiful legs? Will I ever look at my legs again with pride that their tone is and smoothness, beautiful caramel color and length.

I sometimes wonder if the accident happened. So I will learn to not put so much stock in my physical appearance, but then I think what's so wrong with wanting to look my best. Although in my case, it, wasn't only about looking my best. It was also about the attention, the attention that I've been used to getting, since I can remember attention that I enjoyed and didn't want to lose, maybe this is a trial I have to overcome.

How early in your process did you write that? 

Um, So this was probably during, um, oh boy, this was, this was probably a couple of months in, um, I need to go back and look at the timestamps and see exactly when these things were written, but I remember writing it and I remember, you know, it, it was a couple of months in because I just kept expecting, I kept hoping, right.

That I would be able to have some sort of procedure that would like restore them back to their same appearance. But until that happened, I was stuck with this just mangled, just this mangle bunch of flesh and. And my confidence was just quickly going down the drain. Like I didn't even look in the mirror.

I did not even look in the mirror for, it had to be a couple of months. Cause I didn't look in the mirror for a couple of months after the accident. I wouldn't even look at my face, let alone the scars that were on my body. So, um, It was just affecting my confidence. And, and, and when I wrote in that journal about me walking in the room saying that I was the baddest bitch in here, like that was a real thing.

And, and, and it just, it just stopped. It's like, well, you, you have the bad as nothing. Like you got a bad leg, like you got the baddest leg in here, you know, that's what you get now. And. It just, my confidence just went down the tubes just all the way down to tubes and it wasn't until one day. Um, My husband and I were talking to his supervisor and, um, and she was talking about the accident and she was telling me how lucky I was.

And I'm like looking at her side. I like girl bye. And she was like, girl, she was like, you were so lucky. It didn't affect your face. It, I was like, I was like, okay. Thanks girl.

I know, you know, so I was like, all right, like, all right, it didn't affect my face. Okay. I got that, but it really, it really destroyed my confidence. 

Were you a crier before the accident? 

Not like I am. 

So you, I was going to say, so post accident 

prior now, and yeah, I am a crier now and we're going to talk about, um, next episode.

We're going to talk about this very, uh, th th the moment, the pivotal moment. When I became like, when, when my emotions like took a turn, we're going to talk about that next episode. But yes, I am a crier. Now I will say that. 

So we will get back to that. So I know your husband, um, and I know his personality and I can only imagine what his response was to some of this.

How did you handle him seeing your legs for the first time? Were you like, I don't want you to look or, you know, did you not want him to mention anything to you about that? How did you handle that? 

Um, no. Um, no, it was fine. It was fine for him to. And as a matter of fact, he had to look at it because I wouldn't look at my legs for a really long time.

And so he was the, he'll tell you now, like that's my leg, because he was looking at it, making sure it was doing what it was supposed to do. Like, you know, I'm like, is it okay? He's like, yeah, it's good. Like, you know, he was the one that was really taking care of the leg. I was, you know, like, I, I, so no, I didn't.

I was not, um, self-conscious about him looking at the leg. It was fine. It was fine. It was more, it was more sort of 

got it. Got and the public meaning, just friends and family stopping by, or that include doctors, nurses, the people 

who were actually doing just friends and family. I didn't want anybody to see me

I didn't want any body to see me. I. Did not want company. I did not, I didn't want any, I did not want anybody to see me. And even though, you know, you couldn't see what was going on because it was covered up, it was wrapped up. But to me, it might as well have been my face that that accident might as well.

It happened to my face because without my greatest assets, It was like my kryptonite, it was, it was like my Achilles heel. It was like, you know, I might as well, I might as well. It might as well have been an injury to my face. Cause I did not want anybody to see me and in the baddest bitch was gone and she didn't want any company.

I am surprised when Antwan's boss said that to you. You didn't pull out your phone like girl. No, but let me show you these legs. Let me, let me show you. Did you see. Did you know me before? Like where you not paying attention? Of what was snatched from me. Like, no, no, I don't think you understand. 

I want it to say to her, like, girl, I used to model like, what's your talk about,

okay. They might've chose me for my face but I know they chose my legs, you know, and bless her heart. She was, you know, if she's listening, I appreciate her. I really do. But it just, um, it was just awful. It was just awful. Lisa. I could just cannot say it enough. And, um, yeah, it was, it was just bad. It just took me down.

Girl. It took me down. Well, 

where are you to close it out? Where are you now on your legs? How much, what, what is your expectation right yet? I still know that you're, you know, driven, determined you still have plans. So, what is your expectation? What are you aiming for as far as the physical look 

of your leg

well, it is, you know, I get what I get and that's all it is to it. I, um, but, but where I am now is that I don't play. The amount of, uh, focus on, on the physical. And I can't write, you know, it's been this, um, devastating situation that has happened and I can't place it on the physical. And so with my greatest asset, no longer an asset I had to.

And we're, we'll talk about this in coming episodes. I had to go through the process of. Uh, morning, right? The loss of, of that feature that I no longer, I mean, I still have it physically, but, um, with the appearance it's no longer there. And I had to start to start to look at other attributes that I have right.

And focus on those. And that's where I am now. And, uh, You know, and like I said earlier, you know, the baddest bitch died and, and that's okay. Like, I'm, I'm okay with it. Right. Um, I just had to rely on now, not relied now I'm focused on no. Now I'm appreciating the other aspects and attributes that I've had that maybe I didn't pay that much attention to when I was young.

And I'll say you still a bad bitch. 

Thanks girl. Uh, 

you know, I can go into plenty of stories, but I won't. Um, but yeah, I mean, 

Seeing you through go through this recovery process and your healing and your now reflection and your courage to tell your story, you know, that's in bad bitch right there. 

So I appreciate that.

And, you know, I believe that, um, you know, I believe that there are other bad bitches out there who have gone through something or are currently going through something and they need to know that, you know, It may not be what you want it, but you just have to focus on the other things that you bring to the table, because we are not just one, you know, one dimensional people, one dimensional beings, and we have we're complex.

We have layers. And so, you know, in your recovery, you have to focus on. It's okay. To mourn the loss of whatever it is that you have lost or going through. But it's just as important to start to appreciate the other things that you bring to the, to the table, because we all have them. It just, you know, you just might have to do some work like I did to, um, to figure out what those are and to appreciate those things.

Next time on 

waiting as the hardest, you know, I had visions, I was going to be calling them up like, okay, meet me at this bar. We gonna have a drink. You'll have happy hour. Oh my God. I had all of these plans. Tell us what you thought of the episode. Follow us on Twitter at weighting, hardest or Instagram at waiting is the hardest or Facebook waiting is the hardest.

You can also email us. At waiting is the hardest@gmail.com. Share this story of waiting and share your story of waiting. We want to hear from you. The views expressed in this podcast are my own and should not be substituted for those of a trained medical professional.

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Johnita

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Lisa

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